


Stronger for it

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Relapse, Self-Harm, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25807471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Maybe he had forgotten to wear gloves. Maybe he had pushed himself for longer than was needed. It didn’t need to mean anything. It has just been a stressful week, a stressful month really, and the opportunity to focus on a single thing for an hour had been a long-needed relief. It made sense that he wouldn’t have realised the state of his hand before he eventually had to stop when he saw the clock on the wall of the training room.That’s what Alec kept repeating to himself, but it did little to push away the feelings of guilt and failure.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood & Max Lightwood-Bane & Rafael Lightwood-Bane, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 30
Kudos: 218





	Stronger for it

**Author's Note:**

> Written after an anonymous prompt I got on tumblr:
> 
> Could you do one where Alec hadn't self harmed in a really long time but then relapses?

Alec cuts the tomatoes and lifts the cutting board to slide them into the salad bowl, the rest of their dinner simmering on the stove next to him. Alec’s right hand protests as he lifts the heavy wooden board, as the movement stretches the broken skin on his hand.

He’s going to heal it. He just hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

Magnus and the boys are out visiting Catarina, and Alec had promised to be home from work early enough to prepare them dinner before they come home. He had nearly forgotten, when a long-needed stress relief in the form of archery had stretched on and he had lost the sense of time.

Maybe he had forgotten to wear gloves. Maybe he had pushed himself for longer than was needed. It didn’t need to mean anything. It has just been a stressful week, a stressful month really, and the opportunity to focus on a single thing for an hour had been a long-needed relief. It made sense that he wouldn’t have realised the state of his hand before he eventually had to stop when he saw the clock on the wall of the training room.

That’s what Alec kept repeating to himself, but it did little to push away the feelings of guilt and failure.

It has been a long time since he’s done anything similar. He can’t remember exactly how long, but he remembers that the last time was before they had the boys. It feels stupid to have fallen back to it now, when everything is so good in his life.

He has Magnus, the boys, and his job as an Inquisitor. He has everything he ever dreamed and everything he didn’t even dare dream about. Alec feels there must be something really wrong with him to want this now.

He knows he should have used an iratze as soon as he noticed, but with the mistake already made, what’s a little more? He feels like he deserves the pain as a punishment for what he’s done, but at the same time he knows it’s not really a punishment if deep down he craves it. There’s a part of Alec that’s missed this, the sharp focus brought on by split skin. Something so strong and clear when his mind feels anything but.

But this time is different.

The guilt is stronger than before, the shame almost physically making him sick. He knows what he did is wrong and he wonders what it means, if it will erase all the progress he’s made and if he’ll fall back to it again. It’s a slippery slope and he’ll need a hand to help keep himself from falling, but reaching for help means admitting failure and it means bringing that sad smile back to Magnus’ face when it’s been so long since he last put it there.

He feels it all - the pain, the guilt, the shame - when he lifts the board again and slides the pieces of cucumber into the bowl. It’s no longer grounding, but instead fills his mind with too many thoughts, too many emotions, and too much noise.

It all cuts off suddenly when Alec hears a portal in the living room.

He feels blood rush in his ears at the possibility of being caught, and reaches for his pocket to pull out his stele so he can heal his hand. Only to remember that it’s still in the bedroom, where he had left it when he showered after work.

He doesn’t have time to get it before the boys are running to the kitchen.

“Dad, you’re home!” Rafael screams when he sees him and Alec barely has time to turn around to face them before the six-year-old is crashing to his legs. Alec crouches down to return the hug with his left arm, hiding the injured hand behind his back. It doesn’t take long before Max joins his brother, and Alec is grateful the boys are still so small he can hug them both with just one arm.

He’s nervous but he hopes the boys don’t notice it as he greets them.

“Hey, did you have fun with aunt Cat?”

Magnus walks into the room slightly behind the kids and smiles at the sight he sees. That is before his eyes lock to Alec’s, and his eyebrows furrow at what he can see in them. Alec tries to give him a reassuring smile over the boys’ shoulders as they ramble on about all the things they did at Catarina’s.

Magnus doesn’t buy the smile.

“Boys,” he starts. “Could you go play in your room for a while? It looks like dinner isn’t quite done yet.”

Alec stands up when the boys leave, and the hand behind his back feels ten times heavier. He knows what’s coming and he doesn’t know how he’s going to handle the conversation.

“Magnus-” he starts, but doesn’t quite know how to continue.

Magnus walks so he’s standing right in front of Alec, and cups his face with one of his hands. Alec doesn’t think he deserves all the care he sees in his husband's eyes, not after what he’s done.

“What’s wrong, love?” Magnus asks.

Alec shakes his head with a pleading look in his eyes and looks towards the kitchen door. He doesn’t want to lie to Magnus, but he can’t have this conversation when their kids could run into the room any minute.

Max and Rafael both think he’s strong, and he doesn’t want them to see a clear proof of how he’s not. They are children and they don’t need to see this part of their father. It’s bad enough Magnus has to witness it.

Magnus must understand what Alec means, as he waves his hands and a soft blue glow sinks to the walls of the kitchen.

Alec looks back at Magnus and he explains.

“The room is warded,” he says. “We can hear what’s happening in the loft but the boys can’t hear a word that’s being said in this room. The wards will also keep them out of the room, distracting them if they try to approach the doorway.”

Alec is about to object before Magnus continues, “We will hear if something is wrong and they really need us.”

Alec nods. He doesn’t know if he’s happy with Magnus’ solution or anxious that he has to face the conversation now.

“Can you-” Alec starts before he has to clear his throat against the pressure he feels there. “Can you summon my stele from our bedroom?”

Magnus furrows his brows but does as Alec asked, and in a flash of blue he’s holding Alec’s stele. He offers it to Alec who takes it with his left hand.

“Thank you,” Alec says.

“Of course,” Magnus answers, still looking a mix of confused and worried. Alec hates that he can only erase one of those emotions from Magnus’ face.

He looks at Magnus for a long while, unsure of how to start the conversation. Then he realises that there’s no pretty way to put this, no words he can use to make it sound less serious or worrying than it is.

“I did something stupid today,” he admits and brings his right hand out of hiding. He sees Magnus look down at it and Alec is about to bring his stele to it to heal the damage when Magnus grabs his wrist gently and lifts the injured hand up, studying it with a sad look on his face.

“Oh, Alexander.”

Alec shakes Magnus’ hold away and draws the rune on the back of his hand, not bearing to look at it anymore. The wounds don’t bring comfort like they did at first and he wants them gone. They disappear quickly, the skin knitting itself back together and soon it’s like nothing happened, like Alec didn’t do a huge mistake. Sadly there isn’t a rune that could erase the emotions he feels. He thinks that those must be the real punishment for what he did. He doesn’t deserve to have them erased.

That’s why it feels wrong to hear Magnus’ words.

“It’s okay,” he says and brings Alec’s hand up, placing a soft kiss to the rune before lowering the hand back down and holding it between both of his own. The touch feels grounding and warm, like everything Alec wants at the moment but that he can’t convince himself to deserve.

Yet he’s not strong enough to pull the hand away.

Alec wants to know how Magnus can be so patient and understanding, when he feels like he let himself down and like Magnus shouldn’t be dealing with this again. Alec feels selfish for craving the comfort after something he caused for himself.

“I can practically hear the thoughts in your head, Alexander,” Magnus tells him and Alec looks up and into his eyes. “And I need you to stop. Healing isn’t linear. Setbacks happen. What matters is what you take out of them.”

Alec still feels like he failed but he guesses Magnus has a point. There was a time when healing the injury felt disappointing, when shame and guilt were weaker and the relief gained from pain was stronger. He’s not back at the same place where he was last time.

Magnus’ face grows hesitant before he asks, “Has this happened before? I mean recently?”

Alec shakes his head.

“No.”

“I’m grateful you told me now,” Magnus says genuinely.

“I’m sorry,” Alec feels the need to say. He sees that Magnus is about to say something so he continues before his husband has a chance to interrupt him. “I’m sorry you have to deal with this again.”

“I’m here for you for whatever you need,” Magnus says. He lets go of Alec’s hand and puts both of his hands to Alec’s shoulders, squeezing them gently. “I wish you didn’t need to go through this. But only because I see how much it hurts you. Never because I ‘don’t want to deal with it’, as you put it. I will always be here, reminding you of how strong you are and how far you’ve come. I will do it gladly, because it’s what you deserve.”

“I’m sorry I can’t always believe it,” Alec says sadly.

“It’s okay,” Magnus says and pulls him into a hug. “Now stop apologising when there’s nothing you need to apologise for.”

There’s still a nagging voice in Alec’s head that reminds him that Magnus shouldn’t have to deal with this, and he still feels weak and ashamed. But the voice is quieter now, and he lets himself believe what Magnus so honestly told him. He knows that if the situation was reversed, he’d want nothing more but to hold Magnus. So he lets himself be held, and soaks up the comfort it brings.

“Do you want to take a moment before we eat dinner?” Magnus says after a while. The words are whispered against Alec’s neck since Magnus makes no move to let go.

“Everyone must be hungry,” Alec says. 

“You know how Cat is, she spoiled the boys with some treats,” Magnus says. “We can take a moment.”

Alec nods, “I’d really like to.”

They pull apart and Magnus turns the stove off, putting a spell over the finished food that puts it in stasis, ready to be served once they feel ready for it. Then he takes Alec’s hand and Alec follows him as he leads them to their bedroom.

Magnus lays down first, snapping his fingers to change to more comfortable clothes. When he opens his arms for Alec to settle into, Alec is powerless to resist.

Neither of them falls asleep, but Alec lets himself soak up the comfort Magnus seems to be more than happy to provide. He still feels a bit thrown after the day he’s had, but hearing Magnus’ steady heartbeat close to his ear helps Alec calm down and grounds him into the moment better than anything else he could imagine.

The moment of calm is truly needed before he can put on a smile for his children.

-.-.-

“Dad, why do you have a healing rune on your hand?” Rafael asks not even five minutes into the dinner. He’s been really interested in runes lately, and Alec and Magnus have tried to encourage it by teaching him some of the more basic ones. Ever since then he’s liked to spot them and tell that he knows what they are for.

Alec’s proud of how quickly he seems to be picking them up, but in that moment he wishes his son wasn’t quite as observant. Alec chews on his food for a little longer to buy himself time to reply, but Magnus beats him to it.

“He cut his hand while cooking,” Magnus says easily. “Remember how we always say that you shouldn’t touch knives? That they are dangerous?”

Rafael frowns at the reply, clearly feeling bad for his father. 

Max - who is sitting at the head of the table on Alec’s right - leans down to leave a kiss to Alec’s hand. Alec’s heart skips a beat and he can’t find himself minding about the smear of sauce it leaves behind.

“I kissed it better,” Max announces proudly and Alec blinks a few times to fight the sudden tears back.

“Yeah you did,” Alec says quietly, afraid to speak at a normal volume for his voice might crack. He brushes some of Max’s curls out of his forehead. “Thank you.”

His eyes lock with Magnus’ who’s sitting on the other side of the table, and they share a small smile. Alec feels a touch against his shin and realises that it’s Magnus, touching him with his foot, reminding him that he’s there for him.

Alec smiles a little wider, and the smile is fully genuine.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear what you think!! Also I'm really sorry that I've fallen behind on replying to the comments. If you've ever left me a comment, please know that I appreciate it so much and that I'm going to reply eventually!! 💙
> 
> You can find me from [tumblr](https://sugarandspace.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/sugarandspace_)!


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